Written by Kaitlyn, ’23
Francis Bacon once said, “In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be
present”. When things happen to us, bad things and evil things, we as a people strive to find answers to
our suffering. Usually, when we get to the real root of the problem, we tend to blame it all on God and
then turn around and determine that if God caused this and He is supposed to be a loving and all
powerful God, yet does not stop the evil, then He must not be really there. We dismiss God entirely
because we can not make sense of why he would allow evil to happen or why “bad things happen to
good people”. However, I believe that this is the wrong stance to take. For instance, if I was to go to the
doctor with a huge stomach ache and he informs me that the pain I am feeling is the result of a tumor, I
might ask why and how it got there? He may proceed in not answering my questions but instead give
me ways in which to cope with what has happened. Does this mean that I should completely blame the
doctor for putting the tumor in my stomach or come to the conclusion that a doctor is supposed to help
individuals stay healthy and because I am not healthy, then the doctor must not exist? No. People
would say that is a crazy thought. Or maybe because he did not answer my questions then he must not
really be a doctor? Well, no. This is what we do with God. We wonder why bad things happen to
“good” people and when God has not told us the answer or we cannot make sense of the answer, we
completely dismiss Him, convincing ourselves that God must not be real.
I have asked these questions many times in my life and even contemplated the idea that God
must not exist. But what has been clear throughout this process is that God is real and very active even
when it feels like he is not.
Throughout my life, I have lived with things that most people my age have not, first being my
brother. My brother was born with a condition called Cerebral Palsy and also Asperger’s. This has not
been easy for my family, especially for my brother Tyler. Our lives have surrounded around planning
surgeries, getting yelled at due to his anger, having to find accommodations to every place we go and
every form of transportation. I have had to watch my parents spend every waking moment loving on
my brother and trying to meet all the needs he has and I have watched my brother go through thoughts
of depression and suicide. He has never been able to play with other kids on playgrounds or have
sleepovers or drive, go on dates, go to college, or have a job, all due to his disability. In addition to that,
in my own life, I have experienced several moments of abuse by various male members of my extended
family and those I have met in everyday life. As a result of this, I have a mental illness called CPTSD
which is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have lost people close to me to death, drugs,
alcohol, and relationships. There have been many moments where I have sat and pondered why God
would allow all of these experiences to occur if He was so loving, all powerful, and all good,.
My brother is the most outgoing and most lovable young man I have ever met. He knows how
to make everyone laugh, how to worship Christ with all he has, and yet here he is limited on every
activity and not being able to ever live out his dreams in life. How could God allow someone like Tyler
to endure all this suffering?
I was eight when my abuse started happening to me. Why me? How could God allow a person
that I was supposed to be able to trust hurt me at such a young age? What did I do to deserve it? And
why is He still allowing me to suffer mentally, in constant fear of being attacked or rejected?
However, I was asking the wrong questions. It was not that God was not answering me or that
he is a malicious being who has a goal of punishing my family and I. Instead of asking “Why me?” I
needed to be asking “Why not me?”. Once I started asking that question, I began to see more clarity in
it all. I began to look at who I would have become had none of those events taken place and to be
completely truthful, I would have never came to Christ. I eventually would have gone from the tiny
church kid wanting to sing songs of worship to an arrogant and prideful adolescent/adult thinking I do
not need God in my life because there is no need. My life is perfect. The events that have happened to
me have made me who I am today.
I am a sinner deserving of death, yet because of Jesus’ death on the cross, I can have freedom
and redemption in Him. When I asked why me it was almost like I was saying that I do not deserve any
discomfort, just perfection. When I asked “Why not me?”, I realized that I was not alone. Everyone not
only has experienced similar things or at least destruction in their life but we also have a God who
loves and cares about us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to share in our suffering.
Going back to Bacon’s quote, darkness is the suffering in the world and light is God. Yet Jesus
was sent by God to be a light dimmed in the darkness so He would know what we were experiencing. It
was this realization that hit me where I knew deep in my soul that Jesus knows what I went through.
Not just in the sense of knowledge but in the sense of experience as well. And if He knew what I have
been through then that means he has never left me. Just because He did not stop what happened to me
does not mean that He is not real. It just means that I have faced some discomfort. So did Jesus.
I tried for years to dismiss Him and walk on my own. I cut, over-ate, starved myself, and I even
tried to take my own life, yet Jesus, the Son of the all powerful God, knew all along the suffering I was
experiencing and even took it upon himself to experience it as well.
We do not need to fully explain why us or why God has allowed certain things to happen to us.
We will never be properly equipped to know. If we were, He would not be God. But by trusting him,
the answers we can know become clearer. So instead of asking “Why me?” or blaming God for our
problems, why don’t we ask “Why not me?” and thank God for his willingness to understand what we
are feeling within our suffering. God loves you and He is with you even when it feels like He is not.
God never gives up; do not give up on Him.